Thursday, July 05, 2007

Tales from the Dark Side

--OR--
Dignity? We don't need no stinking Dignity!

I had a rant all ready to go, but the series of events that prompted the rant occurred a couple of days ago now, so the steam has evaporated and my ire forgotten. Also, it involved Toys R Us and if there's anything worse than actually going to Toys R Us, it's wasting time writing about Toys R Us.

Instead! We had a 4th of July! Freedom reigned! No one I know or love lives in Guantanamo! We haven't been killed by The Terrorists (tm)! We have nothing to fear but fear itself!
Well, that and adult games played by drunk adults at a family 4th of July BBQ.

Oh my holy hell. I haven't checked YouTube today, so who knows? I could totally be a celebrity with my mad hands-free grapefruit-in-the-neck passing skillz and not even know it! Although if there had been a person at the party yesterday with a video camera I most likely would have skinned and eaten them and their children and their grandma before I let them leave with footage of me doing things like:
  • Passing a cucumber between my knees to a hot teenage boy, but not before it had been passed to me by an older man with lots of stubble. Did I mention something about grapefruits in the neck?
  • Running an obstacle course with a ball clenched between my thighs. Oh, the tits were a-flyin' in my vintage sundress.
  • Running full-bore into my friends ass in the hopes of popping my balloon with the force of our collision and then having the aforementioned teenager do the same thing to me.
Oh, yeah. Fun times. I wish I had been waaaaaaay more drunk so that I might be spared the memories.

Also: poor teenage boy. The team next to us was full of hotties his own age and he had to get stuck with the lady with questionable scratch marks on her boobs (the Sprout has got to get a damned manicure!) and beer breath. I hope I didn't scar him too much.

edited to add: Ok, the hot teenager in question? Probably wasn't really a teenager at all. He was a college student and maybe even of legal drinking age. But! He was young. He had braces for chrissakes. In my memory (damn you, drinker of the beer I brought to the party that wasn't me!) he was and always will be a teenager.

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